The Paradox of Suffering - How to Appreciate It and Let It Go - Part 2
As we journey forward in our exploration of suffering and our capacity to release it, let's take a moment to revisit the insights gained from Part 1. We've come to understand that while suffering is an inevitable aspect of the human experience, it need not define our journey.
In Part 1, we discussed the importance of acknowledging and questioning the sources of our suffering. Whether through introspection, journaling, or seeking support from trusted companions, the act of examining our beliefs and attachments is essential for fostering inner peace and resilience.
Now, in this next section, we are poised to delve deeper into practical strategies for letting go of suffering. I'll provide you with an exercise designed to facilitate this process and explore how our experiences of suffering can catalyze profound growth and compassion.
Are you ready to embark on this transformative journey? Join me as we continue our exploration, empowered by the knowledge that liberation from suffering is within our reach.
Let's dive in.
Letting Go
“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering.
Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.”
~ Thich Nhat Hanh
When I think of letting go I imagine myself holding on to a helium balloon, and as soon as I let go of the string the balloon peacefully floats up into the sky and disappears. I have yet to experience an internal letting go that happens this easily. There is usually A LOT of resistance to letting go.
Why is this? Because letting go is forgiveness - both of self and of others - and sometimes I am just not ready to forgive. I still want to hold on to my anger, resentment, and painful story. They have become a part of me. But with that comes the continuation of suffering. You see how this is a problem? We can’t let go of our suffering if we’re not ready to forgive.
Let us be clear, though, that forgiveness does not mean that you condone what happened, or that it’s erased from your memory. It means that you no longer want to carry the burden of the painful past and you’re ready to set it down.
Returning to Byron Katie’s work, there is a journaling exercise we can do for forgiveness. This full exercise is explained in Katie’s book “I Need Your Love.”
The steps below are a summary of this exercise:
Think of someone who hurt you. You’re going to write them a letter.
Think of three things that you did to hurt THEM and write those down (I told you this wasn’t easy). For example, “I’m sorry that I…” (fill in the blank).
Apologize and ask how you can make it right.
Tell them three things you are GRATEFUL for from your experience with them and thank them. For example, “I am grateful for our time together because you showed me …” (fill in the blank).
Close the letter with a warm ending and sign your name.
Now that you’re done with this first part, here comes the interesting twist of this exercise - You are going to take the exact same letter and rewrite it to yourself.
You are going to apologize to yourself for all the ways you hurt you. For example, if in step 2 above you said “I sorry for turning my back on you when….”, instead of saying this to the other person think of how you turned your back on yourself and apologize.
You are going to tell yourself all of the things you are grateful for from the experience.
You will end the letter warmly and sign your name.
I have done this journaling exercise a few times now, and you know what I feel after completing it? Peace. Understanding. Acceptance. Freedom. Lightness. Forgiveness is the path to releasing your suffering. It just may not look exactly as you thought.
Have Compassion
“If we could read the secret history of our enemies we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.”
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
This is the part of the article where I want to give you all a hug. Is that weird?! I don’t think so. According to Dr. Kristen Neff one of the greatest practices of self-compassion is embracing our common humanity. We all have experienced crappy stuff. Painful experiences. Hurtful relationships. Embarrassing moments. We all have suffered, and will suffer. This is the human experience.
It’s important to remember this, because when we come across someone who is angry, bitter, resentful, or just plain mean, it’s good to remember that what you are witnessing is most likely coming from a person who is suffering. As Dr. Brene Brown says in her bestselling book “The Gifts of Imperfection,” “we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.” People who suffer will perpetuate suffering, and only compassion and love can change that.
Embrace Your Strength
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;
the most massive characters are seared with scars.”
~ Khalil Gibran
Sometimes we are under the impression that life should be easy. It should be without pain or struggle or suffering. In reality that is not the case at all. Sometimes life is nothing but struggle. It’s uncomfortable, and it doesn’t feel good to the body or the soul. However, we need this suffering in order to become who we are meant to be.
One of my favourite examples of this is taken from what is known as the Biosphere 2 Experiment which is a research facility located in Arizona that was originally built to be an artificial, materially closed ecological system. The intention of this facility was to “serve as a center for research, outreach, teaching, and lifelong learning about Earth, its living systems, and its place in the universe.” Within the walls of this structure was both a rainforest and a savannah, and what they found was that trees that grew within this environment would grow rapidly, but before reaching maturation would become weak and fall over. The reason for this? The trees within the sheltered ecosystem did not have to face any wind or other challenging circumstances, and as a result their root systems and “stress wood” had no reason to develop deeper and stronger. In other words, it was a lack of struggle or suffering that eventually caused the trees to weaken.
Humans (and trees, and all things, really) are meant to suffer. Suffering is the path to becoming who we are supposed to be. It gives us the opportunity to stretch, to learn, to grow, to deepen our roots, to develop our “stress wood”, to discover who we want to be in this world, and it teaches us to be grateful for all of the good in our lives.
On the other side of suffering is resilience and an inner strength you wouldn’t have had otherwise. Through suffering you learn to trust yourself to withstand any challenging situation that may come your way. This learning, while uncomfortable, is necessary.
So how about it? How about we go take a look at that box in the basement and see what’s inside? What is in there that we can learn from and let go of? What can we put down and leave behind, so that moving forward we are free to become who we want to be without the burden of our suffering?
As Elisabeth Kubler-Ross reminds us, “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths.”
Feature Photo by Esther Jiao on Unsplash
